2024

There's a post waiting quietly to be posted, but tonight is not the night...

So instead...  2024 has only a few moments left... Entering this year with trepidation, it did not disappoint as the foreboding became reality.  

A multitude of changes.  Grief upon sorrow upon heartache.  Looking back while pushing forward into an unfamiliar dance and song that is still enigmatic.  And now...  I don't want to leave 2024... as a reality that is no more exists in this year and won't be moving forward...there is a permanent change to the world.

Resisting is useless so forward into the storm breath held... this year came and now blows away... dissipating and with it taking precious priceless pieces...a disappearing of the past as well as a future that will never be....there's only forward leaning into the One who is now and always forever.  

The circe and the straight line

 "The Circle of Life".  That's what people say...and I guess it's true...when history is being looked at from the outside.  A new life breathes air, learns and grows and then the next generation is born as that previous life fades away...but for the that individual...that small one...it's a straight line... a life to live each moment and age...there's no do overs or second chances...time marches forward and with each tick of the clock a person changes and ages until then end...  sometimes it's a cliff and other times there's a slope down until dissolution..

September 28, 2023

Raised by his grandma because his mom couldn't stand to look at him.

He only remembers her harsh words about the way he came to be and the fact that his life was a failure from the beginning.

In that short interview much was learned, yet a lifetime of stories remain silent.

A "strong" man who is defensive and reactive, flinching at the benign.

What has he lived through?  Through the exterior, there's so much potential of what could have been.  His life IS precious and a gift.  It's a miracle.  

Threatening words and a phone call, he is dangerous and now the aggressor, but it wasn't always this way.

What if someone had reach out and loved him?  Maybe even now things could change.  He could impact the world in a powerful way for good...

And then there's this small boy, walking to work he cries out as the rain comes down.  "I don't have an umbrella".  Alone on his bike, the water is soaking him.  Where is his Mom?  Back home.  "I don't even have a rain coat" and then he rides off.  What is his home life like?  Oh to reach out and befriend him.  To show him that people care and to help guide him.  How many children are there that need this love?  This support?  This difference that could impact their lives forever.  That grown man...what if he would have been given this chance?  

December 17, 2023

The gift of friendship

It was dark without the illumination of light and no windows in this tiny room where the door only closed if the bed is moved diagonal.  Using the light of the computer, the conversation began.  An elderly, disabled woman without a family except for the gift of a neighbor.  A neighbor who had become like a daughter and her son who called her Grandma.  They found this woman and brought her in...saved her life and as the patient relayed the story with tears in her eyes, it's doubtful this neighbor has any idea the fullness of her actions and care.

Who are you connecting with?  Who in your circle is lonely, alone, sick or needs help?

Gone.

Strong till the end...and I know because I was the last one to converse with him.  Moving my hands in a silent language, we talked.  Thankful for the long ago knowledge of ASL...if only I had more time to know this man.  He even smiled a bit through the pain, and the grin is the memory I want to hang onto of this gentle stranger.  Not the final glimpse or the moments before he took his last breath.  No family or friends as he just wanted to rest...and I guess now he can.  How is an ending so quiet, unremarkable yet causes a shaking rip that weakens the physical?  If only there was time to collapse and let the tears stream.  But someone is bleeding and another needs meds as his alcohol withdrawal is out of control and there's a potassium to fix and other needs that keep coming in.  The world keeps going except for this one too young to expire.  Only his last minutes will I know, but his value and worth I will not forget.  He signed his name...not the English one, but his real name.  The ASL one.  The one of his heart.  And his last conversation is now a gift I will carry deep inside.

The End

The End.

Or near it.  This woman before is fading away and she is ready to stop fighting and give into peace.  Allowing her body to rest and for her spirit to go home.  That's what she wants.  Home.  Not the lonely small house that she has occupied for years, but the one she's only heard of her entire life.

Her life.  No children.  No husband.  In her younger days she strived to become a pilot, but that didn't happen despite earning her commercial license.  And the idea of children was robbed from her when a complication took away the space for a little to form.  She was married for a time... but he too disappeared after becoming a paraplegic.  Alone and ready.  This is her ending.  This is it.  Years of life gone and now she no longer desires to breath this air and see these physical surroundings.  No one to say good bye to... no one to miss.  Another breath or two and then it is The End.

Nausea

There was a moment where the nausea was overwhelming...working as a detective combing through a chart to find a possible cause as the youngish man three feet from the computer was no longer fully here or there.  He was being pounded on the chest with an intensity that shook the bed, but effective as it circulated the blood...was it reaching his brain? Was there a chance? 

MUST stay in the detective compartment... the only choice to keep the trembling away.  This isn’t reality.  The physician near was incredible as she called out medications and orders and also looked for a cause of what happened.  Ten plus hospital workers gathered in action to save a life.  Strong men and women pushing on his chest ignoring the fact they would be sore in the morning while others started lines, gathered data, gave life saving medications, shocked the heart... but in the end he remained still with no breath of his own.  His mother sobbing...I gave her a chair as she grabbed my hand and wouldn’t let go.  Gone.  Sometimes it’s hard not to let the wall down and cry along with them.  He was alert and talking just a few hours before.  Totally unseen and unexpected, he might as well have been hit by a car.  I ache for this family, and you’d think through the years it would be easier to see this...especially after the havoc of COVID...but it’s not...it’s a life...a family...a shocking life altering event. 😔

I don't know him

The hospital.  Patients.  People.  Each unique in character molded by joys, tragedies, everyday life decisions and unavoidable events to bring them to this place.  Most leave with another mark that further delineates their distinctiveness, but not all.  Some disappear.  Evaporate.  Their bodies remain, but they are void, lifeless.  

 

That was him.  He was there in the hospital, but I never knew him...or maybe I got a phone call for sleeping aids or blood pressure in the middle of the night, but never saw his face...I do not know his name...  And now he is gone.  His wife.  Suddenly forever separated while she still breaths this air.  When was their last embrace?  Was there even a phone call to say "I love you"?  And as the story was told from another, I wonder at his last hours and days...  Isolation with strange creatures in masks and yellow gowns to care for him.  Did he get human touch?  Hear kind voices and words?  Were his needs met by these aliens?  And his wife...  Over 50 years of togetherness now shattered and gone forever.  No time to prepare for this outcome.  This dissolving him... her true love.  

 

And now...right now...how many more are their like him in the hospital?  How many are silently disintegrating with alarms that no one hears?  What can I do?  How can I love them well and encourage others to do the same?  This work.  This honor.  This gift to love people.  It's much more than a job, it's a task, a quest in these days of the unknown challenges.  One breath at a time, one step to keep moving forward.  Each encounter has a face, name, story.  Each one is precious.  I don't know him, but each day there are several I do know.  Several to love and serve and show kindness.